Pretty Motives

I learned a lot in India. I especially enjoyed learning about Hinduism. Some things that I thought were just cultural oddities have spiritual significance. For instance, the dot on the forehead. I never knew what it meant. I'm sure it has developed many meanings over time. But the basic spiritual significance involves Shiva, the Hindu god of destruction. He does not sound like a kind entity. Shiva has a third eye in his mythological illustrations and representative figures. The third eye is closed. If Shiva opens his third eye, horrible things will happen on earth- destruction. Wearing the bindi on the forehead pays tribute to Shiva in hopes of appeasing him so he will not open his third eye. This is just background info.

While in India we visited and even participated in quite a few church services and special events. In several churches I saw women wearing this symbolic dot. Of course they may have been Hindus who wandered into a church. But in one instance, I'm certain this was not the case. We participated in a service on Sunday and followed with lunch with some of the church leaders. All this was followed by chai time with a lady from the church. As we were leaving the area, a woman and two children stood by the church and spoke little English phrases to us to send us off. The women had the typical dot on her head. Yet she said to me "praise the Lord." This was a typical exchange between the Christian Indians and us.

As we got on the bus, I asked Suyash if he was sure that the dot was for Shiva. Of course, he knew what he was talking about. My teammates and I discussed why a perceived Christian would still wear the bindi. Our best guess was that since Hindus worship many gods, perhaps Jesus was just another god to them. Maybe they trusted Him- not alone but also.

As I have reflected on this whole situation, I think it shows us how the church has messed up. This woman appeared to be readily welcomed in the church, the building and the family, even though she had clearly not gotten it all figured out yet. Would this woman be repeatedly welcomed in your church?Perhaps we think she would definitely be welcomed in our churches at first. But what if she continued coming and participating in church events? What if she sang your worship songs and continued to offer tribute to Shiva with her accessories? Would she be asked to leave or indirectly un-welcomed because she did not fit the church mold, even the Christian mold? I have been in some churches where I think this woman would be ruled out. I don't mean ruled out in the context of a court. I mean it in the way that we Christians have rules of behavior and appearance that everyone should immediately follow in order to be godly.

Let's figure out an American equivalent of this woman. An unsaved girl with an eyebrow piercing walks into church. We can definitely expect looks from across the congregation. But perhaps the people are welcoming even if with hesitation. But I bet if she continued coming back, someone would eventually ask her to remove her piercing, whether directly or by suggestion. She doesn't "look Christian" after all. If she accepts Christ as Savior, someone will still openly or discreetly disapprove of her facial accessories. This is even less offensive that the bindi because as far as I know, a nose piercing is not a direct tribute to a false god.

I have been in churches where this girl would be pushed out of the church by rules if she does not quickly abide. Many of us have made Christianity into a behavior modification program. We have forgotten grace as we created a Christian image. For some the goal is no longer salvation of the lost. The goal has become the creation of a picture perfect church where perfection is skin deep and often compared to man-made standards. Beneath a picturesque surface is a rotten heart that looks nothing like the Light of the world.

I want us to evaluate our motives. If we push this lost person to remove the piercing or the symbolic third eye, are we seeking their salvation? If read the Gospel correctly, these modifications do nothing for our souls. I don't think we are seeking the lost to be found. I think we are trying to create a world that is less offensive to us.

Listen. If that Hindu woman removes the dot from her head, what has changed? If the girl removes her nose piercing, is she better off? No, they are not. They are still going to hell. They may look better to you. You may feel better about your world. You don't have to feel uncomfortable. Your environment looks so much better. Good job. No. They are going to hell. We have wasted our own salvation if we live for anything other than the redemption of hearts and eternity.

We have to check our motives. What are we aiming for? Christ left His comfort to die for us. We cannot dare to ignore doomed souls for our own standards. I am going after the Hindu woman's soul. If she does not grasp the significance of the bindi on her face until years after her salvation, that is ok. If the girl does not see any discrepancy between her piercing and her new walk with God, I am not going to shove her out of my world. Sanctification is a process. It will be complete in heaven. It's not gonna look perfect to us-ever- on earth.

The Saul to Paul life change did not happen in a day. Sure, his name changed. But he changed for the rest of his life.

Don't lose the lost trying to make your world look pretty. It's gonna have some ugly in it until we are with Christ. Pursue people for their hearts. Christ Himself came only for that.

What Now

I just returned from 2 weeks in India. I am certainly glad to be home with my family for Christmas. But I almost feel absent. My mind is replaying India. My heart is still lingering in Mumbai. I saw so much. The scenes flash like a broken movie reel. I am going to begin trying to work through this experience. I want to squeeze every drop of divine revelation out of those two weeks. This cannot be a good trip that does not affect the other sections of life. I have to change. Christ must complete His change in me or I have wasted what He gave me. What will I do with what I have seen?

The Spot Worn Bare

Well. I have not written a while- a too long while. So I'm going to write in circles that eventually find a good destination. Don't bother reading this unless you're really that bored.

In the past when people have asked me what I thought my spiritual gifts were, the first thing that popped in my head was compassion. Without fail, I knew I could see and feel others' pains, and I wanted to help them and just to feel their pain with them. I used to be really thankful for this. I knew it made me different. I could easily see that many people are not moved by seeing someone hurt.

Now I have been thinking that I don't like this gift as much as I used to- because it hurts. I have experienced a lot of loss in my life for a 21 year old. The last 4-5 years of my life have been marked by much tragedy. Death and heartbreak- the usual. It seems that each individual hurt was not enough to kill me, but the cumulative remnants of untended wounds seem to be drowning parts of me.

I can still full well recognize the God-given tendency to hurt with others, but I also see my recent self-willed reaction. I want to swiftly say "Yes, that is hard. Let's move on to the solution." I convince myself that giving a quick nod to disappointment and tragedy alike is sufficient for all the stages of grief. I do this to myself in regards to my own pain and the pain I feel when others hurt. I would prefer to skip the actual pain and just heal.

Pain hurts. This is probably not a revelation to you, oh persistent reader. But even saying that something hurts does not cover it. We have to experience it. I heard a song today:

We pray for blessings, We pray for peace
Comfort for family, Protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, For prosperity
We pray for your mighty hand to ease all suffering

And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

What if my greatest disappointments,
What if the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy.
What if trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?

I am brought to tears reading the lyrics. I know what my reaction has become. God, ever gracious, allows me to experience pain, and I pull my arms to my chest and fight tears and say "no. no more." "I will not feel this loss." "I will not shed another tear." "There is no need to hurt anymore." I remember telling so many people after losing Lili that I would often lay in bed and weep in my hurt, but I had never felt God so close. He was undeniably near in my greatest hurt. I know He is the same God now. But I know my heart is less willing to hurt. I am willing to have loss, but I don't want to feel loss.

I can taste my own resistance to breaking. Oh how badly I want to just cry when it hurts. And oh how badly I want to just get through it. I am torn between having an honest and tender heart and living in my perception of His victory and strength. He is the Healer. I think Christ claims this title with pride. I don't think He says "I have to be the Healer because this pathetic people won't stop feeling pain." I think He is glad to be our Healer in a world where we are never out of pain's reach.

I have learned quite a few relationships that are unsafe for brokenness. But He has never failed to be a refuge. I don't know what good my brave face is doing in front of Him. He sees straight through to my trembling heart.

I know that somewhere between the self-adopted pit of mournful defeat and the self-built walls of cold defense is a spot worn bare by the knees of saints before me.

I have not found it yet, but when God leads me there, I pray I build my house on that spot.

Chavash

I have been doing a Beth Moore Bible study with a group of girls. Breaking Free.

Last night I was doing Day One of Week 5, entitled Binding Up the Brokenhearted: Straight to the Heart.

In the first paragraph she says that if she asked us to remember our heartbreaks, we would likely remember every detail. I'm already feeling threatened. "Ok, Beth, don't go there. Just stay away from that topic. Please don't make me remember and reflect on anything today. Can we discuss something else? Maybe skip to Day Two?"

And mercy. What does she do? She asks us to remember our worst heartbreaks. Oh how horribly easy it is. Pain is life-changing. I know full well that pain can be terribly personalized. The type of personality or disposition you have so heavily affects what hurts you and how much you feel it. I know my own sensitivity, and I know the depth of pain that I have felt in 21 short years. There are some things that I know I will never be able to capture with words. Emotion and thought so intense, so severe, that I consider those moments to have been only me and God. No one else could know. Only Him. Sometimes I wish I could communicate those moments to others, but I treasure those moments because it fuels my faith that He is a personal God and can be where no one else can.

Speaking of those moments, Beth says "A heart is almost always broken in a specific moment over a single action." I wept last night as my heart screamed a resounding "yes." I remembered those moments readily.

Watching your family cry over a casket, some of them unable to stand. Collapsing inside as we suffered a loss too young to imagine.

Getting an early morning text message that says "Chanel, she's gone." Then being picked up off the floor because you cannot bear the weight of your heavy heart.

Sitting on your bed weeping and praying with literal open hands as you hand over a relationship that you don't know how to live without.

Hearing the words "I just don't think it's gonna work out" and realizing that you've been lied to, and you believed every word. Sobbing until you finally get a few hours of drug-induced sleep. Only to wake up and whimper "Oh God, no. Just put me to sleep. Please make me sleep."

I remember these moments and feel the literal punch to my heart. And all over again I feel my soul leaning into God with such intensity that I feel I might suffocate. Can you relate? Have you met a brokenness that makes your heart scream? Do you know that dark night without sleep filled with cries that leave you breathless?

Oh but praise God- we do not forever inhabit this night.

Isaiah 61:1 says "He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted."

Praise God this is one of His purposes. But look deeper. The word used for "bind up" is "chavash." It means "to compress, to stop." God did not just send His Son to soothe an aching heart. He sent Him to stop the bleeding of the hemorrhaging heart. We have been so wounded. And He presses His scarred hands into our marred and bleeding hearts. He compresses the wound to stop the bleeding. Oh what a Healer. what a Healer. Have you noticed that brokenness seems to intensify before it gets better? He puts pressure on our wound, but eventually- the bleeding stops. Oh the times He has pressed His hand into my weak and bleeding heart. He was there. He healed me. He came to heal me.

In Jeremiah 18, God tells the Israelites that He wants to make them into a beautiful vessel even though they are like marred clay. But He is the excellent potter. They have been broken, often by their own decisions, but He wants to remake them. But how do they respond to the invitation? They tell God "It's no use." Do not choose the same response. No pain, no mistake is too much for this Healer. Stand up. Rejoice. He came to heal. He came to chavash.

Father, you are beautiful in our pain. You are good in our pain.

Who Is Following

Tonight something kinda scary happened. It may not seem alarming to you, but it made me want to press pause on life and get myself "together."

I was watching the 6pm NewSpring service live online. Carson (little brother) came and sat beside me. He didn't seem that interested during the music and got up and left. I was a little disappointed but no big deal. I certainly didn't expect him to come back- with a Bible. It was almost time for Perry to start speaking. I had my iPod in my hand with my ESV Bible app open. Carson said "I want that." He went and got Mom's iPad and downloaded the app. No big. The kid likes technology.

I had my prayer journal so I could take some notes. I just got a new one, and I'm really excited about. (I know I'm easily excited.) I said "Carson, did you see my new prayer journal? Isn't it pretty?" He nonchalantly commented that it was cool. A few seconds later he asked "what do you put in there?" I said "I just write whatever I pray."

Perry starts speaking. I'm taking a few notes here and there. Carson gets up and leaves again. Ok. A message on greed may be boring to a ten year old. He comes back. With a notebook. At this point I'm like "Aww. That's precious." Perry is preaching, and if you've ever heard him speak, you know he talks with some speed. lol. Quickly spoken, mature vocabulary is causing Carson to struggle a little bit. Sometimes he needs a repeat or a little extra explanation. That's fine. It's awesome that he's listening.

I glance over at Carson's notebook. He has written nearly everything I have written, being careful to get every Scripture reference just right. I start to notice him leaning a little closer to me so he can see as I write. The sermon goes on. I check later to see what he's writing. He has copied my words exactly. "The church will still be here when the world's economy has failed." He's ten. He doesn't know what that means. But I have written it, so it must be important. He doesn't realize the significance of the statement. He does not know why I wrote it, but that doesn't matter. He wrote it because I wrote it.

The gravity of this moment is overwhelming. Would it be reasonable to suppose that he probably will do some things I do- not because he knows why I do them but simply because I do them? Oh Lord, don't let me falter. The thought of my brother making any sort of decision based on the way I have previously made those decisions is so scary. There are times in my life that I am not proud of. Praise God that most of my pre-Jesus life was before Carson existed. But I still mess up on a daily basis. Little choices throughout the day that reveal a lifestyle to his young mind.

I am fiercely protective of my little brother. Last semester some brat was mean to him at school. Physically mean. When I saw that brat, I wanted to break his arms. I know that's harsh. morbid. Do not mess with him. When I see celebrities that Carson watches, I get very angry. Justin Bieber. I do my best to convince Carson that Justin is an absolute loser, but when Carson says "hey watch this video," I want to scream at that overrated little boy that he is misleading my brother, and I don't appreciate it.

Then to think that I could also mislead my brother just as easily as the media idols, I am broken. It is terrifying.

God, thank you for that moment that brought me humility. And I thank you more that you love Carson more than I ever could. I trust your sovereignty in his life. Please lead me on with intense awareness of who is following.

Cherry Garcia Christianity

I know this post is going to make some of you laugh and think that I have spent too much time in my textbooks, but there is truth in this. And I like it when God speaks to me through strange things. lol

Cherry Garcia. A Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor. This is one of my greatest pleasures in life. I mean- I am in a splendid world while eating this stuff. As I was enjoying some tonight, I thought about how I was introduced to Cherry Garcia. I was at the beach with my immediate family and my aunt. This was in June 2010. We went to the grocery store to stock up for our week there. We walked down the ice cream isle. I grabbed a personal size of the Skinny Cow Dulce de Leche ice cream. It's only 100 calories. I was right in the middle of P90X so I was not about to waste calories on non-diet ice cream. I wanted the perk of eating ice cream with as little cost as possible. My aunt grabbed a bucket of Cherry Garcia and rambled about how it was the best thing in the world.

Anyway, a couple of nights later, we decide to treat ourselves to our ice cream. I begin eating my calorie-cheap treat. It's not the most delicious thing I have ever put in my mouth, but its sweet and its 100 calories. Meanwhile my aunt is in her happy place with Cherry Garcia. She asks me to try it. I have never tasted it before, and it's only one taste. What's the danger in that?

My perspective quickly changed. Cherry Garcia is worth every calorie. Poor Skinny Cow and its conspicuous Splenda flavoring got thrown in the trash. I have never been the same :)

This is what happened to me with Jesus. I lived a good portion of my life so far seeking the "perks" of Christianity without paying the price. I went to church and youth group events. I followed most of the spoken and unspoken rules of the "Christian walk." I acknowledged God as God. I said Christ was my Savior. I read the Bible occasionally. I was a good girl. But I never laid my heart prostrate before a holy God. That was intimidating and potentially costly.

Then I tasted Christ. I had one encounter with Him that changed me forever. Just one accepted invitation to open up to Him. I thought it would be no big deal to really experience him. I was wrong again. Cheap Christianity is indeed cheap. I'm no longer interested. I desire to know Him more than anything. I want Him to be more real to me than the person standing next to me. I want to live the life He has planned for me. I want to be completely satisfied in Him every moment of my life. I want to seek Him with unnerving intensity for the rest of my life. I want to know and do what he has for me. I love Him, but I want to love Him so much more. I cannot go back to cheap Christianity. I need the real thing. I have been wounded in this lifestyle. He has led me to walk in some terrifying situations. But He is my greatest joy, and He is worth everything.

The Grief Child

I'm rolling off of what was shared in chapel tonight. Matthew 18:23-35 in case you weren't there: the parable of the unforgiving servant. Tonight's speaker focused on restoring relationships that had been damaged by someone's actions. Her message sent my heart racing. In a good way. I'm going to focus on a few statements she shared and run with them.

She addressed our responses to hurt. Vengeance. She really pointed at girls on this one. And boy, do I know why. Have you ever been dumped? Lied to? Cheated on? Blind-sighted? And you know the first time you see that guy, if you had a rock in your hand, a good arm, and solid aim, you could take him out. I know, ladies. I know. I have been there. And worse, some guy hurts your best friend. Game's over. He better watch his back. The point is that we turn to vengeance all too quickly sometimes. I know that it's a natural response. But I also know that God did not instruct us to live by what's "natural." He said to deny ourselves, flee the flesh, and die to ourselves. He said pursue Him, and vengeance is not of Him. Isaiah 49:25 said He will contend with those who contend with us. Now don't take this out of context. He did not say He would be on our side if someone hurt us. That verse applies to the Christian who hurt you too. He is saying He is our defender. The person who wronged us will have to answer for their behavior, and we will too. So be very careful. Take peace in the fact that He covers you. Don't let your mind be consumed with vengeance.

Drinking. She just addressed this briefly. While she was mentioning the issue, I was thinking to myself that this is probably not the most common coping mechanism used on this southern baptist campus. But I'm not so naive to think no one was identifying with her words. I know I was. And I know that if I was, chances are someone else was too. I'm no alcoholic, but it has been an issue in my life before. I wasn't bar-hopping at 14 or anything, but I have tasted that fruit. I know what it feels like. And I know that as I faced intense hurt and grief in the past months, I thought about finding something cold and good to take the edge off. I didn't do it (just in case NGU authority reads this lol). The point is no matter how far removed we are from an old coping mechanism, it can return like it's never been gone if we are put in the position to need a moment of relief. But this is just a substitute. Coping is not synonymous with healing. Coping is cheaper in the short run and probably quicker. But coping soon becomes running, and you'll be running for the rest of your life from a problem that you could have healed from.

Grief. I'm gonna stay here for a while. The fact that we are to forgive others for the things that they do to us does not change the pain. It still hurts. We can't develop a super-psyche that makes us untouchable. Tragedy happens. Pastor Perry said Sunday at church that we don't get to decide another person's tragedy. Amen. Amen. We don't get to designate how much something hurts another person. Pain is real, and grief is a process. Grief IS a process. And I am in no way minimizing that. Please don't misunderstand. But I have some things to say about this, and I pray God would shed His piercing light on you and expose this issue if it exists. This process has a goal to be reached, and that is healing. This process is not one to sit down in. We can so easily get stuck in it. No, not stuck. We just sit in it.

Let's look at David. Perry spoke on this passage Sunday. I Samuel 17:34-35. David is telling Saul why he can go fight Goliath. He says that he has hunted down and killed lions and bears when they came and took one of his sheep. David was a shepherd. This was not just your everyday vocation. There is a reason that Christ is referred to as our Shepherd, and we are called his sheep. Shepherds LOVE their sheep. They are responsible for this group of basically defenseless animals. They care for them. The Bible tells us that the sheep know their shepherd's voice (Jn. 10:27), and he calls them by name (Jn. 10:3). This is an intimate relationship. So picture this loving shepherd, David, in the fields with his sheep. A lion comes and takes a sheep. Now I'm certain the lion did not casually walk up, subtly put a sheep in his mouth, and sneak away. I have never met a lion, but I saw "Earth." Their hunting methods are not so clean. This lion stealthily watched the group, picked out his ideal target, made a run for it, and snatched the sheep violently in his mouth. It was probably bloody. It was probably fast. This is tragedy.

This is a big deal. Yes, it's only one sheep, but Matthew 18:12 says that the shepherd would go and search fervently for the one lost sheep even if he had ninety nine others. How heart-breaking. David watched one of his helpless sheep get snatched up and carried away by a monster. What would you do? I think I can make a good guess at what I would do. I would be shocked and terrified. I would cry, sob. For a while, I would try to figure out what I could have done differently. I should have been more aware. I should have tried to keep the sheep closer. How could this happen? David could have done the same thing. This tragedy could have defined him. He could have become "David, the Mourning Shepherd." We could have heard of him like that in Sunday school, and by earthly standards, he had every right to own that title. But we don't know him as that. We know him as "David who defeated Goliath." That's a big difference in outcome. Why?

David did not sit in the sheep pen and cry. He did not ask "Why?" He acted. I Samuel 17:35 says that David went after the lion, struck it, and rescued the sheep. There's more. If the lion tried to attack David, he killed it. David went after what was his. I imagine a lion with fresh prey is not an easy thing to catch, but he did. Because that was his sheep. He did not give up. He did not mourn his circumstances. He got up and slapped that lion and took what was his.

Oh that we could truly understand the gravity of our responses to tragedy. Not just for the sake of the lost who are watching, but for ourselves. For our fight. For our race. Hard things happen, and we have a tendency to hold this grief process like a child. Like its our baby. Grief is a process. And raising a child is a process. But grief is not meant to be something that even comes close to defining us as having a child would. Something happens in our lives to hurt us, and instead of having a phase of intense pain, we start to live with a pained mindset. Phases are phases because they end. Grief is not meant to be the permanent wound that forever bleeds all over our life. There is victory to take part in. There is healing to be had. This is not the end. If David had not fought the lion, he would have been sitting in the sheep pen loathing his existence instead of defeating a giant for God's glory. What do you want to be the message of your life story? "Life sucks, so we all need to live for as much sympathy as possible." or "Life sucks at times, but setbacks and tragedies are just stones for us to step on our way to the banquet."

Isaiah 61:1
The Spirit of the sovereign Lord is on me because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound.

2 Cor. 10:4
For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds.

Don't be a captive. Ladies, I know we have maternal instincts, but that hurt that you are holding on to is not your baby. Stop coddling it. Don't feed it. It's a demon. It's a stronghold. But don't run from it. Go after it. Look at your hurt right in the face. See it for what it is. It may be huge, and it may be small enough to shame you for wasting your energies on it. Either way. Look at it one good time. Slap it for taking interest on your heart. And realize that Christ came to set free and to heal. Stop insulting his mission. Live in the freedom and abundant joy He paid for. This does not give you immunity from hurt. It gives you healing so you can defeat the giants in His name and power.

Drop the grief child, and get to living the life He paid for.