The Grief Child

I'm rolling off of what was shared in chapel tonight. Matthew 18:23-35 in case you weren't there: the parable of the unforgiving servant. Tonight's speaker focused on restoring relationships that had been damaged by someone's actions. Her message sent my heart racing. In a good way. I'm going to focus on a few statements she shared and run with them.

She addressed our responses to hurt. Vengeance. She really pointed at girls on this one. And boy, do I know why. Have you ever been dumped? Lied to? Cheated on? Blind-sighted? And you know the first time you see that guy, if you had a rock in your hand, a good arm, and solid aim, you could take him out. I know, ladies. I know. I have been there. And worse, some guy hurts your best friend. Game's over. He better watch his back. The point is that we turn to vengeance all too quickly sometimes. I know that it's a natural response. But I also know that God did not instruct us to live by what's "natural." He said to deny ourselves, flee the flesh, and die to ourselves. He said pursue Him, and vengeance is not of Him. Isaiah 49:25 said He will contend with those who contend with us. Now don't take this out of context. He did not say He would be on our side if someone hurt us. That verse applies to the Christian who hurt you too. He is saying He is our defender. The person who wronged us will have to answer for their behavior, and we will too. So be very careful. Take peace in the fact that He covers you. Don't let your mind be consumed with vengeance.

Drinking. She just addressed this briefly. While she was mentioning the issue, I was thinking to myself that this is probably not the most common coping mechanism used on this southern baptist campus. But I'm not so naive to think no one was identifying with her words. I know I was. And I know that if I was, chances are someone else was too. I'm no alcoholic, but it has been an issue in my life before. I wasn't bar-hopping at 14 or anything, but I have tasted that fruit. I know what it feels like. And I know that as I faced intense hurt and grief in the past months, I thought about finding something cold and good to take the edge off. I didn't do it (just in case NGU authority reads this lol). The point is no matter how far removed we are from an old coping mechanism, it can return like it's never been gone if we are put in the position to need a moment of relief. But this is just a substitute. Coping is not synonymous with healing. Coping is cheaper in the short run and probably quicker. But coping soon becomes running, and you'll be running for the rest of your life from a problem that you could have healed from.

Grief. I'm gonna stay here for a while. The fact that we are to forgive others for the things that they do to us does not change the pain. It still hurts. We can't develop a super-psyche that makes us untouchable. Tragedy happens. Pastor Perry said Sunday at church that we don't get to decide another person's tragedy. Amen. Amen. We don't get to designate how much something hurts another person. Pain is real, and grief is a process. Grief IS a process. And I am in no way minimizing that. Please don't misunderstand. But I have some things to say about this, and I pray God would shed His piercing light on you and expose this issue if it exists. This process has a goal to be reached, and that is healing. This process is not one to sit down in. We can so easily get stuck in it. No, not stuck. We just sit in it.

Let's look at David. Perry spoke on this passage Sunday. I Samuel 17:34-35. David is telling Saul why he can go fight Goliath. He says that he has hunted down and killed lions and bears when they came and took one of his sheep. David was a shepherd. This was not just your everyday vocation. There is a reason that Christ is referred to as our Shepherd, and we are called his sheep. Shepherds LOVE their sheep. They are responsible for this group of basically defenseless animals. They care for them. The Bible tells us that the sheep know their shepherd's voice (Jn. 10:27), and he calls them by name (Jn. 10:3). This is an intimate relationship. So picture this loving shepherd, David, in the fields with his sheep. A lion comes and takes a sheep. Now I'm certain the lion did not casually walk up, subtly put a sheep in his mouth, and sneak away. I have never met a lion, but I saw "Earth." Their hunting methods are not so clean. This lion stealthily watched the group, picked out his ideal target, made a run for it, and snatched the sheep violently in his mouth. It was probably bloody. It was probably fast. This is tragedy.

This is a big deal. Yes, it's only one sheep, but Matthew 18:12 says that the shepherd would go and search fervently for the one lost sheep even if he had ninety nine others. How heart-breaking. David watched one of his helpless sheep get snatched up and carried away by a monster. What would you do? I think I can make a good guess at what I would do. I would be shocked and terrified. I would cry, sob. For a while, I would try to figure out what I could have done differently. I should have been more aware. I should have tried to keep the sheep closer. How could this happen? David could have done the same thing. This tragedy could have defined him. He could have become "David, the Mourning Shepherd." We could have heard of him like that in Sunday school, and by earthly standards, he had every right to own that title. But we don't know him as that. We know him as "David who defeated Goliath." That's a big difference in outcome. Why?

David did not sit in the sheep pen and cry. He did not ask "Why?" He acted. I Samuel 17:35 says that David went after the lion, struck it, and rescued the sheep. There's more. If the lion tried to attack David, he killed it. David went after what was his. I imagine a lion with fresh prey is not an easy thing to catch, but he did. Because that was his sheep. He did not give up. He did not mourn his circumstances. He got up and slapped that lion and took what was his.

Oh that we could truly understand the gravity of our responses to tragedy. Not just for the sake of the lost who are watching, but for ourselves. For our fight. For our race. Hard things happen, and we have a tendency to hold this grief process like a child. Like its our baby. Grief is a process. And raising a child is a process. But grief is not meant to be something that even comes close to defining us as having a child would. Something happens in our lives to hurt us, and instead of having a phase of intense pain, we start to live with a pained mindset. Phases are phases because they end. Grief is not meant to be the permanent wound that forever bleeds all over our life. There is victory to take part in. There is healing to be had. This is not the end. If David had not fought the lion, he would have been sitting in the sheep pen loathing his existence instead of defeating a giant for God's glory. What do you want to be the message of your life story? "Life sucks, so we all need to live for as much sympathy as possible." or "Life sucks at times, but setbacks and tragedies are just stones for us to step on our way to the banquet."

Isaiah 61:1
The Spirit of the sovereign Lord is on me because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound.

2 Cor. 10:4
For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds.

Don't be a captive. Ladies, I know we have maternal instincts, but that hurt that you are holding on to is not your baby. Stop coddling it. Don't feed it. It's a demon. It's a stronghold. But don't run from it. Go after it. Look at your hurt right in the face. See it for what it is. It may be huge, and it may be small enough to shame you for wasting your energies on it. Either way. Look at it one good time. Slap it for taking interest on your heart. And realize that Christ came to set free and to heal. Stop insulting his mission. Live in the freedom and abundant joy He paid for. This does not give you immunity from hurt. It gives you healing so you can defeat the giants in His name and power.

Drop the grief child, and get to living the life He paid for.