Chavash

I have been doing a Beth Moore Bible study with a group of girls. Breaking Free.

Last night I was doing Day One of Week 5, entitled Binding Up the Brokenhearted: Straight to the Heart.

In the first paragraph she says that if she asked us to remember our heartbreaks, we would likely remember every detail. I'm already feeling threatened. "Ok, Beth, don't go there. Just stay away from that topic. Please don't make me remember and reflect on anything today. Can we discuss something else? Maybe skip to Day Two?"

And mercy. What does she do? She asks us to remember our worst heartbreaks. Oh how horribly easy it is. Pain is life-changing. I know full well that pain can be terribly personalized. The type of personality or disposition you have so heavily affects what hurts you and how much you feel it. I know my own sensitivity, and I know the depth of pain that I have felt in 21 short years. There are some things that I know I will never be able to capture with words. Emotion and thought so intense, so severe, that I consider those moments to have been only me and God. No one else could know. Only Him. Sometimes I wish I could communicate those moments to others, but I treasure those moments because it fuels my faith that He is a personal God and can be where no one else can.

Speaking of those moments, Beth says "A heart is almost always broken in a specific moment over a single action." I wept last night as my heart screamed a resounding "yes." I remembered those moments readily.

Watching your family cry over a casket, some of them unable to stand. Collapsing inside as we suffered a loss too young to imagine.

Getting an early morning text message that says "Chanel, she's gone." Then being picked up off the floor because you cannot bear the weight of your heavy heart.

Sitting on your bed weeping and praying with literal open hands as you hand over a relationship that you don't know how to live without.

Hearing the words "I just don't think it's gonna work out" and realizing that you've been lied to, and you believed every word. Sobbing until you finally get a few hours of drug-induced sleep. Only to wake up and whimper "Oh God, no. Just put me to sleep. Please make me sleep."

I remember these moments and feel the literal punch to my heart. And all over again I feel my soul leaning into God with such intensity that I feel I might suffocate. Can you relate? Have you met a brokenness that makes your heart scream? Do you know that dark night without sleep filled with cries that leave you breathless?

Oh but praise God- we do not forever inhabit this night.

Isaiah 61:1 says "He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted."

Praise God this is one of His purposes. But look deeper. The word used for "bind up" is "chavash." It means "to compress, to stop." God did not just send His Son to soothe an aching heart. He sent Him to stop the bleeding of the hemorrhaging heart. We have been so wounded. And He presses His scarred hands into our marred and bleeding hearts. He compresses the wound to stop the bleeding. Oh what a Healer. what a Healer. Have you noticed that brokenness seems to intensify before it gets better? He puts pressure on our wound, but eventually- the bleeding stops. Oh the times He has pressed His hand into my weak and bleeding heart. He was there. He healed me. He came to heal me.

In Jeremiah 18, God tells the Israelites that He wants to make them into a beautiful vessel even though they are like marred clay. But He is the excellent potter. They have been broken, often by their own decisions, but He wants to remake them. But how do they respond to the invitation? They tell God "It's no use." Do not choose the same response. No pain, no mistake is too much for this Healer. Stand up. Rejoice. He came to heal. He came to chavash.

Father, you are beautiful in our pain. You are good in our pain.

Who Is Following

Tonight something kinda scary happened. It may not seem alarming to you, but it made me want to press pause on life and get myself "together."

I was watching the 6pm NewSpring service live online. Carson (little brother) came and sat beside me. He didn't seem that interested during the music and got up and left. I was a little disappointed but no big deal. I certainly didn't expect him to come back- with a Bible. It was almost time for Perry to start speaking. I had my iPod in my hand with my ESV Bible app open. Carson said "I want that." He went and got Mom's iPad and downloaded the app. No big. The kid likes technology.

I had my prayer journal so I could take some notes. I just got a new one, and I'm really excited about. (I know I'm easily excited.) I said "Carson, did you see my new prayer journal? Isn't it pretty?" He nonchalantly commented that it was cool. A few seconds later he asked "what do you put in there?" I said "I just write whatever I pray."

Perry starts speaking. I'm taking a few notes here and there. Carson gets up and leaves again. Ok. A message on greed may be boring to a ten year old. He comes back. With a notebook. At this point I'm like "Aww. That's precious." Perry is preaching, and if you've ever heard him speak, you know he talks with some speed. lol. Quickly spoken, mature vocabulary is causing Carson to struggle a little bit. Sometimes he needs a repeat or a little extra explanation. That's fine. It's awesome that he's listening.

I glance over at Carson's notebook. He has written nearly everything I have written, being careful to get every Scripture reference just right. I start to notice him leaning a little closer to me so he can see as I write. The sermon goes on. I check later to see what he's writing. He has copied my words exactly. "The church will still be here when the world's economy has failed." He's ten. He doesn't know what that means. But I have written it, so it must be important. He doesn't realize the significance of the statement. He does not know why I wrote it, but that doesn't matter. He wrote it because I wrote it.

The gravity of this moment is overwhelming. Would it be reasonable to suppose that he probably will do some things I do- not because he knows why I do them but simply because I do them? Oh Lord, don't let me falter. The thought of my brother making any sort of decision based on the way I have previously made those decisions is so scary. There are times in my life that I am not proud of. Praise God that most of my pre-Jesus life was before Carson existed. But I still mess up on a daily basis. Little choices throughout the day that reveal a lifestyle to his young mind.

I am fiercely protective of my little brother. Last semester some brat was mean to him at school. Physically mean. When I saw that brat, I wanted to break his arms. I know that's harsh. morbid. Do not mess with him. When I see celebrities that Carson watches, I get very angry. Justin Bieber. I do my best to convince Carson that Justin is an absolute loser, but when Carson says "hey watch this video," I want to scream at that overrated little boy that he is misleading my brother, and I don't appreciate it.

Then to think that I could also mislead my brother just as easily as the media idols, I am broken. It is terrifying.

God, thank you for that moment that brought me humility. And I thank you more that you love Carson more than I ever could. I trust your sovereignty in his life. Please lead me on with intense awareness of who is following.