I was watching the 6pm NewSpring service live online. Carson (little brother) came and sat beside me. He didn't seem that interested during the music and got up and left. I was a little disappointed but no big deal. I certainly didn't expect him to come back- with a Bible. It was almost time for Perry to start speaking. I had my iPod in my hand with my ESV Bible app open. Carson said "I want that." He went and got Mom's iPad and downloaded the app. No big. The kid likes technology.
I had my prayer journal so I could take some notes. I just got a new one, and I'm really excited about. (I know I'm easily excited.) I said "Carson, did you see my new prayer journal? Isn't it pretty?" He nonchalantly commented that it was cool. A few seconds later he asked "what do you put in there?" I said "I just write whatever I pray."
Perry starts speaking. I'm taking a few notes here and there. Carson gets up and leaves again. Ok. A message on greed may be boring to a ten year old. He comes back. With a notebook. At this point I'm like "Aww. That's precious." Perry is preaching, and if you've ever heard him speak, you know he talks with some speed. lol. Quickly spoken, mature vocabulary is causing Carson to struggle a little bit. Sometimes he needs a repeat or a little extra explanation. That's fine. It's awesome that he's listening.
I glance over at Carson's notebook. He has written nearly everything I have written, being careful to get every Scripture reference just right. I start to notice him leaning a little closer to me so he can see as I write. The sermon goes on. I check later to see what he's writing. He has copied my words exactly. "The church will still be here when the world's economy has failed." He's ten. He doesn't know what that means. But I have written it, so it must be important. He doesn't realize the significance of the statement. He does not know why I wrote it, but that doesn't matter. He wrote it because I wrote it.
The gravity of this moment is overwhelming. Would it be reasonable to suppose that he probably will do some things I do- not because he knows why I do them but simply because I do them? Oh Lord, don't let me falter. The thought of my brother making any sort of decision based on the way I have previously made those decisions is so scary. There are times in my life that I am not proud of. Praise God that most of my pre-Jesus life was before Carson existed. But I still mess up on a daily basis. Little choices throughout the day that reveal a lifestyle to his young mind.
I am fiercely protective of my little brother. Last semester some brat was mean to him at school. Physically mean. When I saw that brat, I wanted to break his arms. I know that's harsh. morbid. Do not mess with him. When I see celebrities that Carson watches, I get very angry. Justin Bieber. I do my best to convince Carson that Justin is an absolute loser, but when Carson says "hey watch this video," I want to scream at that overrated little boy that he is misleading my brother, and I don't appreciate it.
Then to think that I could also mislead my brother just as easily as the media idols, I am broken. It is terrifying.
God, thank you for that moment that brought me humility. And I thank you more that you love Carson more than I ever could. I trust your sovereignty in his life. Please lead me on with intense awareness of who is following.
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